Maximilian Panderpoop leaned forward and kissed the top of his daughters head as she sat in front of the mirror adding last minute touches to her face. It reminded him of his days in construction using putty, caulk, and other fillers to patch and repair.
“Oh, Daddy,” said Penny. “You’re gonna mess-up my hair.”
“There you go worrying again over nothing,” said Maximilian. “You’ve been painting on the perfect little princess face and hair for as long as I can remember; ever since your momma first allowed you to play in her make-up case.”
“Momma said old farts like you can’t remember stuff that far back,” said Penny, while making eye-contact in the mirror, “except perhaps when you had your first erection.”
“You know how filthy your momma’s mind is,” said Maximilian. “You see it every day as clear as the nose job on your face.”
“Touché,” said Gwen Panderpoop, as she came up and stood beside her husband and stared at her daughter’s progress. “But let’s forego the word war on cosmetic reconstruction or Penny will miss her entrance.”
“We can’t have that,” said Maximilian. “This is your year to win, Princess. I just know it.”
“You’ve said that every year, Daddy.”
“And it hasn’t happened yet,” said Gwen.
“But she’s gotten closer every year,” said Maximilian. “And this year I feel it in my bones.”
“You’ve had that condition for years, and you know it,” said Gwen. “Always acting like you’ve got one foot in the grave.”
“Stop picking on him,” said Penny. “At least he’s rooting for me.”
“Oh, honey,” said Gwen. “You know I’m rooting for you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it,” said Maximilian.
“I always want her to do good,” said Gwen.
“Wanting her to do good, and believing she’s going to are two different things,” said Maximilian.
“I’m just a realist,” said Gwen.
“Would you two go to your neutral corners,” said Penny. “You’re not exactly creating a stress-free environment for me to prepare my perfect look.”
“You don’t worry about a thing, Princess,” said Maximilian. “Daphne, the only girl to beat you last year, isn’t even here today.”
“Oh, my god!” said Penny. “And did you hear what happened to her?”
“Spill it,” said Gwen, always in the mood for gossip.
“Word is that she went down on her boyfriend, Luther,” said Penny. “And the freakiest thing happened.”
“You mean she was the slut that maimed Luther?” said Maximilian.
“I heard they were both maimed,” said Penny.
“Dammit!” said Gwen. “Just tell me what happened.”
“Well, I heard that when she was doing the dirty deed she developed lock-jaw,” said Penny.
“No way!” said Gwen.
“It gets worse,” said Maximilian.
“Yep,” said Penny. “Luther didn’t realize she was in trouble, and thought she was just giving him the tightest B.J. ever, which really turned him on, and he got bigger than he’s ever been.”
“Don’t tell me he…” said Gwen.
“Yep,” said Maximilian, nodding. “It got stuck.”
“Ouch!” said Gwen.
“And that’s not the worst of it,” said Penny.
“That’s for sure,” said Maximilian.
“Dammit!” said Gwen. “Just tell me what happened.”
“Well it ain’t pretty,” said Maximilian. “He yanked.”
“And she yanked,” said Penny.
“Simultaneously,” said Maximilian. “And something was bound to give.”
“Oh no!” said Gwen.
“Oh yes!” said Penny. “She is jawless and missing her front teeth…”
“Awaiting reconstruction,” said Maximilian.
“And what about Luther?” said Gwen.
“He changed his name to Luthinia,” said Maximilian. “And she’s competing here tonight.”
“Dammit!” said Gwen. “Then how can you possibly tell Penny this is her year?”
“Because she’s prettier, smarter, and more talented than any other contestant,” said Maximilian.
“Yeah, Momma,” said Penny. “You always tell me I’m pretty.”
“Well, of course I think you’re pretty, Baby-cakes,” said Gwen. “But this is an election year and Luthinia is obviously going to get the politically correct vote.”
“Oh shit!” said Maximilian, looking forlorn.
“Daddy?” said Penny.
“Sorry, Princess,” said Maximilian.
“That’s not fair!” said Penny, staring at her reflection in the mirror. “I’ve worked my ass off recreating my new image.”
“We know it, Honey,” said Gwen. “But you know how these pageants work.”
“It’s just not fair,” said Penny. “How much reconstruction does a girl have to get before they finally give her what’s coming to her?”
“There’s always next year, Princess,” said Maximilian.
Penny dropped her head into her hands, and Gwen gave her husband a dirty look.
“Now you listen to me young lady,” said Gwen. “Don’t you dare give them the satisfaction of seeing you at less than your best.”
“You listen to your mother, Princess,” said Maximilian, making sure he didn’t put his foot in his mouth again.
“You go out there and show the rest of the world who the real winner is here tonight,” said Gwen.
“Damn straight!” said Penny, looking at herself in the mirror with confidence. “This is my night to shine.”
“And you won’t even have to break a sweat doing it, Princess,” said Maximilian.
“It’s not like she can anyway,” said Gwen.
“All contestants to the stage,” yelled the stage manager from the doorway.
“This is it,” said Maximilian.
“Do us proud, baby,” said Gwen.
Penny hugged her parents, gave herself a last minute scan in the mirror, and headed for the stage with her folks trailing behind.
Penny hit her mark just as the announcer began.
“Ladies and gents, and all the rest of you worm-eaten roadkill,” said the announcer. “I welcome you to this year’s Miss Teen Necro Pageant.” He began to walk along the line of females in their tattered evening gowns positioned on the stage. “As you can see the contestants are all eager to compete; and don’t be surprised if your eyes drop out like mine, because they are all Drop Dead Gorgeous!”